“what are you?” - the struggle of not being born in my ‘home’ country (a short post)

 I have always embraced that im Filipina; The flag is in my social media bios, i repost videos and photos about it, i know all the jokes and lingo, I even speak about it as if ive been there so many times. I play the part of this proud filipina so well people most of the time think i was born there, but i wasnt. I have never even stepped foot in the Philippines. 

These past few years the embarrassment of not being born in my 'home' country has grown tremendously. People ask me "What are you?" and i say "Filipino" and they smile, but then they ask if i was born there or they start speaking tagalog, I have to stop them and watch their smile fade once i tell them i wasnt and dont know how to speak or understand the language. So sometimes i just try to avoid the question altogether. But I've been told that im not a real filipino because i wasnt born there and sometimes deep down i know theyre somewhat true. I always laugh it off because i know that theyre only joking but it hurts. Its not my fault i was born here... But time and time again the reminder that im not a 'real' filipino comes up. I cant even speak my own language. No matter how hard i try to learn to speak it, it just doesnt sound right and i end up humiliating myself. Also, the fact that im paler than most filipinos doesnt help. I dont have that classic tan skin that others have and many have mistaken me for white (they also mistake me for white from my lack of tagalog skills). So to make up for this i learn to make the foods, and try to follow some traditions, thats why having a debut is so important to me. 

Many ask me 'why' i want to have a debut so badly; I always say "I just want to wear a pretty dress" or "I want the food/presents" and while thats true, the main reason is just cause i want to reconnect to this culture ive hardly known. Its one of the first actual traditions i will be participating in. In my mind i see having a debut as a way to compensate for my lack of filipinoness, its so i can say "I am filipino, ive had a debut and thats the most filipino it can get!" And so i can show those people who say im "not a real filipino" i actually am. Others dont understand this. They wonder why im not opting for a big trip instead; And yes a big trip sounds fun and i would love to travel, i can travel all i want when im older, i only turn 18 once. I dont get the big deal on why its such a big debate and also i dont get why its not encouraged to have one. People dont seem keen on me having a debut, or matter of a fact, they dont seem keen on anyone having a debut. All i know is that i want one and i dont care what anyone thinks. I want one to celebrate my heritage and culture that is constantly being ripped from me and i want one to just celebrate me becoming this amazing woman who is going to do lots in her life.

Although i wasnt born in my 'home' country i am a real filipino and no one can say otherwise. I dont get why its such a big deal that i wasnt born there. My grandparents moved here for a better life and more opportunities for their kids and generations to come. And guess what! Thats what happened. I have so many more opportunities compared to some family that live in the Philippines. Yes it would have been nice to be born there but what privileges does that give me here? None. And i get to experience things people in my 'home' country dream of doing. Not only that, i still get to experience the food and some traditions here and even if i didnt, that doesnt make me any less filipino. It is not only the experiences and environment that make you a certain ethnicity but also the blood that runs through your body and the blood that runs through mine is FULL filipina and i love my culture. This doesnt mean i dont want to visit and im not trying to learn tagalog. Its all i can ever dream about, but im just sick of people trying to strip me of this key part of my identity.

Love, 

     Maki